It’s true, if you look far enough ahead, you will find certain things end or change. But the arbitrary nature of what you may consider to be a good or bad event is being ignored. Since an arbitrary standard can only exist as long as a person holds it, it is both nothing and everything in the breath of history. A mosquito that is crushed after a satisfying bite has lived a fulfilling life. Humans are genetically unique, so artificial standards of perfection or “good” are also illusory. If we are trying to be completely honest, it’s important to acknowledge that anything we believe involves a large amount of faith that our understanding of our lives and world are correct. But most things we learn are outside of our direct experience. So there is little we actually can base directly on our direct understanding beyond personal experience. That is not the only relevant factor in living in this world, but we deny our personal experience at our folly. In other words, worrying about events we cannot effect is sort of like assuming the stars effect our fate. That should include things that happen in the distant future. We can change our own course, but the amount of possiblities, “good” or “bad” along with “arbitrary” is completely beyond human understanding or control. Too many factors to consider. Since to some extent our personal experience is limited, we must start from where we are, not where we would wish to be. That’s reality. Being disappointed that reality does not match our personal fantasy of how humans and the world should be is a self-inflicted wound. It is also what most of us do. Humans generally improve to some extent over time, and so has humanity. No one said it will last forever.
Of late, I have become acutely aware of what I have produced over the past few months. I’ve worked on my life steadily, laying a path that will make my options and skills grow and develop. I haven’t knocked out a lot of product, and that concerns me a bit. I’ve got a short list of projects that is growing into a long list. Not exactly the growth and development I had in mind, but vital. Periods of being alone is good for producing new work, although I can’t pretend the recent unwelcome duress was particularly fruitful. I did get some valuable work done, but I’ve started more projects than I’ve finished. I’ve also regained some balance and structure in the midst of the tumult. I don’t regret the way I’ve spent my time. Once again, I went through a period when my plans and dreams were yanked from me, and I had to reboot. While that went on, I was reminded what was most important to me, and how much can’t be taken away. Like Popeye, I am what I am, no matter the situation or what others may think. My skills and abilities are earned, and I am capable of even more that I have done in the past. My wife and kids are the ones I love, and they love me. When I have presented others with my person and my skills, I am validated. When I examine the breadth and depth of my efforts, I am proud and confident. When I consider the future, I hope I will be able to continue caring for my wife and kids, teaching, and creating the work that is mine alone, good or bad. I am ready to move forward.
So what were my plans? What is on that list?
First, I would like to become more skilled at my job, teaching English. I want to master grammar and learn how to teach it with full understanding. I want to make my students better writers and readers
Second, I want to finish writing my poetry collection. That means I need more poems. That generally does mean more alone time, since I write the best and the most when I am alone. It also means a short essay about the work, photos, and editing it all together.
More poetry published online.
Videos to finish: Alice Train Scene, Down the Hill, Pueblo Short Doc.
Videos to start: More Electric Gauchos videos, PICO movement score